Quick two questions. How does life work, and how do you use Pro Tools LE for PC?

I've had this stupid M-Box and ProTools LE software going on four years now, and I'll be damned if my home recordings don't still sound like a four year old making a doody into a fishbowl. I wish I could get away with it and be like, "Oh yeah, that's just my super lo-fi Moldy Peaches-esque sound choice," but I can't. It's really not what I want the songs to sound like.

Hear for yourself at Eli's Pretty Ugly Acoustic Songs that Could Maybe Sound Pretty in Somebody Else's Hands.

The newest atrocities are titled "Another Texas" and "Suzie."

But, seriously, I have a feeling it's a trick I'm not understanding and have avoided researching lo these many years. Makes me think I should have bought a Mac after all. My roommate does pretty amazing stuff with that Garageband thingy.

Oh, right, so the other question was "How does life work?" This might be another question for my roommate - more on this later - I can't really talk about it right here.

What kind of man an I? Please let me know.

It's been eight months since I started writing theater criticism and having it published (see below), and I guess I've maybe hit that eighth-month slump? That little demon that must come upon all critics in this, the third trimester? The one that makes me ache a bit and wonder: Do I have any right to publicly criticize people who are really just doing their best to create art and communicate? You know, they're trying, right? They're doing their best and maybe were misdirected, or lacked a certain judgment, or maybe their taste just isn't my taste. What right do I have to rabbit on about something that annoys me created by someone else, when all I had to do was sit on my ass and watch it?

Well, I have lots of right, actually, and so does everyone. If an artist is going to publicly display their work, the work should be open to public criticism. (And, in the theater, ticket prices are so expensive that I would find it helpful to cross-reference a few reviews before ponying up fifty bucks or more.)

I'm sure somebody somewhere is criticizing me for something I did in public somewhere, and that's just the risk you take.

Oh God. Oh God, that's a horrible thought. A nauseating feeling. Oh Jesus, what are they saying about me???

Problem is, probably nothing. I can't imagine anyone is saying much about me, except maybe in the way of personal criticism. "Jeez, that guy REALLY needs a new dress shirt..." or maybe "Eli needs to get his temper under control if he expects to ever work here again" or even "Eli James? I'll never forget the day he asked me for a ride home, and when I asked if he minded if we dropped someone else off along the way, he started to cry."

Other than that, I would guess no one is criticizing my "work" in public because there's been no public work to speak of. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ON THIS BLOG. It represents the bulk of my public work, and I don't even work that hard on it, so please feel free to let rip.

Uh, yeah, nice color scheme, LOSER.

Way to talk about really vital shit, James, if that IS your real name. Um real topical stuff buddy. The internet really cares about your personal insecurities about your career and a critic's right to criticize! Why don't you write a play about whether religion is good or bad while you're at it?

Religion - good or bad??? Let this play decide for you.

Eli's Review of "Grace" starring Lynn Redgrave

"Piss off out of it." My Review of The Homecoming on Broadway.

Read it Here.

I feel quite confident about this review. But that's only because I know old Harold Pinter himself couldn't give two tosses about it or the writing of any other critic on the planet. (Pinter is one of the few artists I actually believe when he says the critics can "fuck off.") So, I felt totally free not to care about Pinter and that was, um, freeing.

Doesn't hurt, of course, that he probably doesn't read The L.

Though he should.

Get it in print! It's awesomer!