The reasons I read books are not completely genuine.

And I'm finally owning up to it. I enjoy reading, but I think it's time for me to admit (or realize) that I AM one of those people who reads books to some extent for the following reasons:

• to say he read something;
• because he thinks it's "good for him";
• JUST to make subway rides go faster;
• because he's lonely and can't figure out what else to do before bed.

And much of the time I'm absorbing the contents of the book, especially with nonfiction, I'm thinking one of the following:

• "Yeah, I'm learning stuff!"
• "Yeah, I'm developing a certain part of my brain that will help me stave off senility decades from now."
• "Yeah, I'm working up intelligent-sounding dinner conversation for some dinner party I'm bound to be invited to someday."

But give me an invitation to a dinner party, and I'll probably never finish the book. I'll be too busy wondering how much to spend on the wine.

Makes me think I should join a book club, so that the social, interactive elements of reading can be put to much more direct unashamed use. Seriously, why else spend so much time alone putting the details of Teddy Roosevelt's presidency inside my brain? Unless I'm really into Teddy Roosevelt, it's ridiculous to think I'm improving myself by reading about what Teddy Roosevelt had for breakfast on the morning he brokered a peace treaty between Japan and Russia. I didn't know anything about the man. And now that I've learned this outstanding fact about his life, I still haven't shared it with anyone, because I'm still pretty sure I don't care.

It's my fault. I do pick up certain things because I think I should. I often worry I know too much about The Beatles or The Smiths or Monty Python. Knowing that Teddy Roosevelt brokered that peace treaty between Japan and Russia in 1905 is, so I hope, expanding my world view, and in some way giving The Beatles a greater context.

Perhaps if I just admit to myself that any book I'm reading that's not about The Beatles will only hold HALF my attention, then I am bound to feel less guilty about my reading choices.

PUT IT IN A SONG!

Guys - I totally figured out what you should all do with your sincere soul-bearing Facebook status updates! Put them into a song.

Seriously. That way you won't come off completely self-indulgent and desperate for attention when you ask the entire internet to pray for your parent, when you reveal that your boss just yelled at you, when you describe your last date, or relate the severity of your premenstrual symptoms.

You can get away with a lot if you put all those things into a song. You don't even have to change the wording. Seriously, you can write about anything in any way you want as long as there's a beat going underneath.

And, believe me, I understand the urge to post about every hour of your day. It's the age we live in. We are lonely lonely creatures. All human beings are, deep down, good and lonely, even when surrounded by loved ones. And when we describe our deepest, sincerest anxieties, we know someone on the internet will read it - and maybe even comment on it. And we won't be left alone, unheeded and misunderstood, for any stretch of time.

But truth is - most of what we think elicits sympathy from our Facebook friends is actually just earning grimaces, cringes, and utter disbelief that we actually had the balls to write "RIP Mom 1948-2010" for our Facebook status.

I must include myself in that race of offenders. I put my most personal self-indulgent thoughts in a god-damned BLOG! So, from now on - mournful self-obsessed brooding shall only be written in song form. Songs you may or may not hear. Songs that might be written on a rubber band.

Congratulations, my friends. The way forward is clear. I'm so excited about this. Music is COOL!